When Your Child is Afraid to go on Sleep-Overs

Children love to go on sleep-overs with their friends - or to camps and other special events for kids. But for some children their fear of sleeping away from home overshadows the daytime fun - perhaps even to the extent that they simply won't go. If your child is struggling with such a fear, perhaps this will help you to help her.

First, and most obviously, getting into a fight with your child about the problem won't help. Saying things like, "don't be such a baby, of course you can do it" will just undermine her confidence rather than solve the problem. Recognize that it is a problem, and that your child probably wants to solve it as much as you do, step back from it all, and plan a strategic approach to help her.

As with most fears, the easiest way to work on this is by using a process of gradual desensitization. Often the problem is not just sleeping away from home, but sleeping away from Mom - to the extent that going in her own bed is a challenge!

Whatever the degree of the problem, the process is the same. Identify first what she IS able to do comfortably and confidently. Perhaps she is happy sleeping on the floor next to your bed. Or in her own bed, provided the door is open. Or she can manage a sleep-over with the grandparents, but not with a friend or cousin. Whatever it is, that is your starting point.

It is advisable to talk to your child and encourage him to tell you honestly why he doesn’t want to go on a sleep-over with a friend he likes. If he tells you what kind of a sleep over he won’t mind going to, make a note of it. And, you plan only that kind of a sleep-over for him. If he really has fun on a friend's birthday party, or going to camp in the summer, he will get over the fear.

The point is to start with an overnight stay away from home in a place where your child is physically and emotionally comfortable. And then, gradually get him ready for a camp for five nights. May be you will have to start by getting your child to sleep in his room with the door shut. Be very sensitive to your child’s emotions and give him time to work on his fear. Don’t be in a rush; it is not going to help any one.

Of course, you will need to adapt this plan according to your own circumstances. For instance, you might have to break each step into smaller parts and give ample time to move from one step to the next. Fear is a deep-seated illogical emotion; it needs time to work on it. Always start with what is pleasant and desirable and gradually move towards the goal. Start with what he is comfortable with doing right now. Then take the next step, such as moving from the floor next to your bed, to the floor in the hallway just outside your bedroom door.

Decide on a starting date. Decide also on how you will celebrate success. Remember, make each step an easy one. Consolidate each step until she is ready and willing to move on to the next one (enticed, if necessary, by the promise of rewards earnt).

If she fails at a step (eg crawls back into your room from the hallway), just retreat to the previous step, consolidate that a bit longer, increase the rewards, and have another go.

One word of caution: Don’t expect instant results. You should be willing to spend some time with your child to help him work through the steps. But if you have a well-planned strategy, and you implement it slowly and systematically, you will certainly succeed. Be generous with plenty of encouragement and rewards.

Article Source: http://www.adoptiondoctors.com/articles

Dr. Noel Swanson has written a highly entertaining and very informative book on managing child behavior problems - The GOOD CHILD Guide. Many pediatric nurses consider it a must read for all parents. Also get his parenting articles here.
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