Parenting Tips: What To Do When You're Told, "You're not my Dad! - By:

Q. "My son's father left us five years ago. Since then, I have remarried to a lovely man. David, my husband, has tried hard to make friends with Nathan, and left all the disciplining to me. Yet, though we have been married three years, my son still refuses to do anything that my husband asks. How do I get him to listen to his step father?"

A. Although it is problems between you and your ex that have caused the rift, children often feel that they are in some way to blame for their parents' separation. Nathan no doubt feels that Dad left him, rather than you! This will be especially true if Dad's visits are rare or erratic. As a result he feels guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may also worry that you may be the next to leave him.

Having another man in the house only intensifies the problems. Nathan now knows that his parents won't be getting back together. It also means that David is getting attention from you as well. When you were single, he had you all to himself. No wonder he feels terrible.

Nathan and David may have gotten along will before you were married. He was fun then and no threat since he was just Mum's boyfriend. Now he is an equal in the family and acts like he owns the house and has the same rights as everyone else.

Communication is the key in this situation. When David became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all three of you. If you have other children, include them as well.

Let Nathan know that you are aware of his resentments, and confusion, and anger. Reassure him that David will never take his dad's place. It's perfectly normal for Nathan to love and miss his dad, even though you don't. Just be matter-of-fact about why you divorced and don't drag the kids into any parental battles.

Also be honest about the fact that you love David and that's why he is now a part of the family. This doesn't detract from your love for Nathan in any way. Explain that when Nathan learns to like and accept David, that won't affect his love for his dad.

Finally, make it quite clear that you have given full authority to David to have parental authority in the home. What David says is what goes. Do not allow Nathan to come to you to try to undermine decisions that David has made. Even if you disagree with what David has said you will need to back him up in public. Then when you are alone with him, you can sort out your disagreement. Nathan must see and hear that you are both completely united, and that you will back up David one hundred percent.

Q. "My son's father left us five years ago. Since then, I have remarried to a lovely man. David, my husband, has tried hard to make friends with Nathan, and left all the disciplining to me. Yet, though we have been married three years, my son still refuses to do anything that my husband asks. How do I get him to listen to his step father?"

For more expert tips on child behavior problems and for his excellent book, why not visit Dr. Noel Swanson's website? You can also find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson free articles on parenting here. ~ai586

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